Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Ridiculous Generation of the new Mama's

I had a disturbing conversation last night about the things women are doing in the new millennium as mothers.

#1 (and the most horrific)  There are some women who live in the uber-rich areas of rainy city that breast-feed their babies by day.  But by night they hire a 'wet-nurse' to come in and feed the babes in the middle of the night so their precious sleep is not disturbed.  DID YOU HEAR ME?  There are women out there who hire themselves out as wet-nurses!!! And lazy ass rich women who hire them????  Did we not stop that sometime in the Victorian era??  So this poor, let's face it, immigrant woman gets her ass out of bed everyday to breast feed some rich woman's kid while her own baby is getting bottle-fed in her tiny east-side apartment.  What is wrong with this picture? I know it is hard getting up in the middle of the night but isn't that special bonding time with your baby?  They are only babies for so long?  And won't the babies get confused at the different boobs being shoved in their mouths?

#2  Women who are afraid of being left alone with their children so insist on an emergency nanny when their husband has to head to work for some unexpected reason.  Afraid of being alone with your own children?  Ummm, maybe you should not have had children in the first place????

#3 Women who go on national television and give birth to their babies.  WHY WHY WHY?  I feel embarrassed with my legs in stirrups at the gyn once a year.  Imagine if a camera was following me.  Now imagine a camera following me as I was sweaty and ugly and red pushing a tiny watermelon thing out of me.  WHY? 

 I was channel-surfing the other day when I happened on one of these shows.  It was her time to push, and her husband held her knees back to let the little sucker out.  Now, no offense to this woman, but she was not at her prettiest.  Nor was having her pudgy knees splayed out for the world her most flattering moment.  I once saw a home birth episode where when the crowning time came, the father-in-law got in the line of receiving to take a photo of the head and the ve-jay-jay with a disposable camera!  What's worse?  Your father-in-law looking at your hoo haa EVER or the fact he used a disposable camera?  Doesn't a time like this deem at least a digital??  

Minor point here:  who wants a photo of crowning?  that is a moment neither the child wants to see nor the poor mother wants to remember

#4 There is a new wave of women who believe in giving birth in their homes with NO ONE!  No one!  Okay, the father of the baby but NO ONE ELSE!  Why?  Why would anyone want to give birth to their baby without the aid of a midwife OR doctor?  I mean seriously, we have not come all this way in medical and female power to go back to giving birth to babies out in the field!!  For crying out loud, giving birth is actually dangerous.  Women DIE.  Millions of women died in past centuries giving birth and now with all our freaking technology some women have the gal to risk the lives of their babies and themselves by giving birth alone?  Please explain this dumb ass idea to me.  

#5 Crazy feminists eating placenta.  Gag me.  My earliest memory is my dad making me watch a cow give birth and all I can remember is being grossed out by the cow eating the afterbirth. I had no idea what it was but I knew it was slimy and gross.  Placenta has vitamins?  Is there something wrong with taking a supplement like Centrum??

I am going to go take a birth control pill now

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