The Mother Equation

Take one daughter and one mother.

What do you get?

Two crazy people.  Or that's how I feel with my mum.

It's a well-known fact that we turn into our mothers.  And it happens before we have the chance to stop it.  I know I have turned into my mother.  When she visits me, we both complain to the Engineer about each other.  He gets confused because we are both annoyed by the same things in each other:  ourselves.

My mum has delightful little quirks that make my father and I roll our eyes.  How she will stop everything to point out the way the light is streaming through the trees.  How she is slightly unreasonable and emotional at the strangest times.  How she over plans everything from vacations to dinner.  She starts packing for trips a month in advance.  I could go on but I won't.  She reads this.

Anyways, I am guilty of ALL those things.  Except when she's around.  My friend Lara told me that she too is exactly like her mother.  But when she is around her mum, she goes back into her child shell and let's her mum take over the personality of the room.  She's right.  If she and her mother were both in 100% mode, those around them would go nuts.  You have to give some of your mom back to her when you are around her.  Be the kid again.

Just the other day when walking the dogs with the Engineer I pointed out how the trees looked as if they were on fire.  He didn't even look but said 'yeah' in a totally non-committal way.  I feel like I am alone when I see things that are special and lovely.  Then I realized I do the exact same 'yeah' when my mum points out sun shining on snow.

The whole reason I am thinking about my mum and our combined craziness is because of some events that just unfolded.

My mum flew to Vancouver to hang out in my house.  My friend had used my car but had supposedly replaced it with a full tank of gas so that my mum could drive it.

Call mum.  Car is not there.  I slowly start to freak out.

Call friend.  She has swine flu so our other friend put it back.

Call her.  She says she parked it on P1, stall #25.  A part of the public Impark lot where I will get towed. Start to freak out more.  She says she is sorry but didn't know where my parking spot was.  So it's been sitting in an illegal parking spot for a week.

You know Impark - they're evil.

Call mum.  Go check P1, #25.  Wait.

Call back.  Car is not there.

Mum is starting to freak out.  And by starting I mean she is yelling at me and threatening to tell my father.  Apparently I am ten.  She rants that I wasn't supposed to loan my car anymore.

F*&#(CK.

Call sick friend again.  Text her.  Nada.

Call towing company.  My car is not there.

Call other towing company.  My car is not there.  They assure me that other towing place takes from my parking lot.

Call Impark.  My car was not towed or ticketed recently. But I do have outstanding tickets, do I want to pay?  Ummm, no.  I hate you Impark.  I ask the guy what it means if my car is not there.  He says my car not being there is a matter for the police now.  Super.

Call friend #2 back.  Are you sure you parked it on P1.  She's sure.

Call friend #1 back.  Still nothing.  I am really freaking out now.  Last time she used my car there was an accident.  This time it was stolen?  GAH!

Call mum back.  Get voicemail.  Check voicemail.  Find out that my mastercard has been cancelled due to fraud.  Awesome.

Call my dad.  He hasn't talked to my mom.  What's wrong?  he asks.  Urrm, nothing.

Call mum.  Tell her to go do a lap of the parking lot one more time.  I think the car has been stolen.

Wait.

Call mum.  She's on the other line calling the Engineer.

Call her back.  Found the car!  she pipes happily

WHAT?

I guess I didn't understand what P1 was.

WHAT?  There is a P1 and a P2, what's the confusion??

Now she states that there seems to be another problem.

Oh god.  What?

"My shopping cart is missing!  It's not in the closet or in the car."

Great.  Now I've just been freaking out at my friends, calling numbers all over Vancouver from New York and my heart is racing because I thought my car was stolen.  And she's already on to the next catastrophe:  her shopping cart.

It's in my storage locker, I say.  Also, I point out to her, if you had just read the note that was left with the keys you would have seen my friend wrote specifically where the car was.

Time for damage control.  Finally get a hold of sick friend.  Apologize.  She sounds like she's dying.

Moral of the story?  Get the H1N1 vaccine and don't let your mom into your house when you are not home.