Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Day Player

My good friend, Helenna Santos, just premiered her pilot episode of her new web series:  The Day Player.

I highly encourage you to visit her site.  The show is hilarious - especially for those in the acting trade.  Or even for those who aren't but want to see what life is like for those of us who choose this oh-so-rewarding life.  It's about a struggling actress who waitresses to supplement her income between her small roles. Which, to those who don't act, are called 'Day Players' because we only go to set for one day.

Lucky for me, my waitress days are behind me.  Not because I don't need to make an income but because I was a terrible, nay, horrible waitress.  I'll be honest.  I don't really like people.  I certainly don't like them enough to patch a grin on my face and serve them diet cokes and cheeseburgers.

I stared off quite good and friendly, and then something happened.  Something inside me started to die.  Something made me want to stab stupid people who can't order bread.

In once instance, the lady couldn't decide between brown bread or white bread.  While she thought about this decision that clearly was life or death, I started to sing the 'Final Jeopardy' theme song.  I didn't get a tip from her.

Another time, a lady asked me to 'turn down the frogs'. She was sitting on the patio above a pond in late spring.  The frogs were making tadpoles.  The ribbits were real.  She didn't believe me.  I told her she was a stupid cow.  

Once, someone was so grateful we had chicken soup that she declared 'oh thank god.  Thank GOD you have it'.  I looked at her and informed her that 50 000 people had just died in Asia's Tsunami but thank god we have chicken. Okay, I lied.  This story was actually from a retail store.  She was so freaking grateful that we still had a t-shirt.  But it didn't fit in with my waitress theme.

I broke dishes constantly, I spilled trays of food, but mostly I was simply rude to people.  Often to old people.  They don't tip anyways, and all they eat is a cup of soup.  And for that they click their fingers all the time. Plus they always want decaf coffee and a hot water with lemon.  So annoyingly high maintenance for so little.  And they are almost always grumpy first.

The worst customers?  Middle-aged women.  I am sorry to say this, but women of that age bracket are B*&#tches.  I rarely use that term but for this description there is no other word for it.  We don't know if it was seeing a pretty, younger girl that made them crabby as hell.  Or if they were menopausal.  Or if they were always that way.  Most of the women who came to our restaurant (at a golf club) looked as though they were permanently smelling poop or had something stuck up their rear end.  They always drank Sauvignon Blanc as well.  It's like the middle-aged woman drink of choice.  Sorry to my middle-aged readers! Not all of you are like this!  Only the one's who frequent the golf club restaurants!!

I got to give it to Ms. Santos.  She sure does capture the mindset of the customer and what the waitress wishes she could do to her.  And she always does it with a smile.

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