My top five of the day

I forgot my Top Five!

TOP FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT WEDDINGS

1. That stupid dance you have to do with the groomsman you walked up the aisle with. I think I hate this more than anything. Usually you don’t know the guy and he is some goofy friend or relative of the groom. They might have a girlfriend who inevitably glares at you during the song OR they are single and think that they will get into your crinoline later. The latter is the absolute worst thing that can happen (unless you want him in your crinoline) especially if he rubs himself close to your thigh and shows you had badly he wants in your crinoline. Seriously, it’s enough to make you puke up that wedding cake.

2. Matchy matchy matchy. Of course, I have covered the ‘suck it up rule’ in earlier ‘Top Five’ lists but that doesn’t mean I like it. No one is meant to match like that. It isn’t natural – unless you are twins; and that’s just cheesy.

3. I highly dislike the bouquet toss. It is a stupid tradition that should be banned. Let’s bring out the single girls and make them catch some flowers so that they too can be lucky like the bride and someday marry a prince. Puke. That being said, there is some horrible force deep inside my body that can’t help but want to catch that bouquet. My competitive side comes out and I don’t care who gets in my way: flower girls, mothers and even a grandmother. Oooops. I’m not kidding – I knocked a six year old out of my way once. And I’m still not married so clearly the tradition is stupid.

4. I hate wedding hair!!!!!! I HATE wedding hair!!!!!! Again, I have to just ‘suck it up’ but dear god! Why? WHY is wedding hair so bad? It’s like the hairdresser is so excited to do their most creative work on your head. I don’t care – my hair was never meant to look like a rats nest on the back of my head. Never!!

5. The morning after gift opening. Ummmm, whose bright idea was this? Oh please can I get up at the crack of dawn after an entire DAY of champagne and gin & tonic’s? And if I do have to go to a gift opening please provide greasy snacks such as sausages and bacon; this is only fair.