Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Symphony Epiphany

The Engineer and I sauntered down to Carnegie Hall to delight in the classical stylings of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra.  It is our second Carnegie Hall symphony of the year, and my first symphony experience since my parents dragged me to the Winnipeg Symphony when I was a kid (then led by Bramwell Tovey - who then moved to Vancouver and is spending the summer in NYC - is this guy being in every city I am in, a sign I should go see him or something?)

NYU Stern students were given free tickets from the Creative Director, Clive Gillinson, after his talk in the 'Leaders of New York' series.  Except our seats were very front row, in front of the cellos.  We couldn't see a thing.  

My view was literally the ass of some cellist.  And I know this is horribly uncouth of me, but my first thought was that I hope she doesn't pass gas during the overtures.  I probably would after all.  I sometimes pass gas doing lunges.  

Due to the fact I could not really see the musicians, my experience was to simply experience the music.

That I did.  

I sat there, letting my mind drift to summer fields in Alberta and good books and scones (random I know).  I also started thinking about my own career choice and the path I am walking down.  

I am an actress.  And although I love the actual craft, it has come to my attention over the years, that I don't necessarily like all the crappy baggage that comes with it.  Unfortunately, I still can't simply walk away.  

I have been in a pretty serious funk recently.  It's lasted a fairly long time.  What exactly is it in this business that gives my stomach a sinking feeling? And for some reason, the rushing notes from the violins made me realize that I hate permanently watching my weight.

That's it.  Not the auditions, or the rejection, or the crappy scripts.  It's the sheer amount of time I spend focusing on body issues.  In any other profession, I am slim with an athletic frame.  In the world of Hollywood, I am 'Bridget Jones-esque'.  I kid you not.  One breakdown actually used this description.

Lately I have been especially playing into the assumption that there is a game to be played and I have to be willing to play in it.  That means working out EVERY SINGLE day (which I do) and laying off all things good, like sugar, carbs, and citrus (damn you South Beach).  I agreed to play the game because even my most favorite of the curvy actresses have caved in.  Literally.  They all lost weight.  Kate Winslet is skinnier, Scarlett Johannson is no longer her pretty curvy self, and even Nia Vardalos was surprisingly skinny.

But for some reason, listening to the music, I realized it was a shitty shitty game to be playing.  I certainly don't begrudge working out.  I love sweating.  I feel deep satisfaction in getting strong and having sweat drip into my eyes.  

It's the food thing.

Not to say I can give it all up and eat McDonald's.  No no no. I love healthy food.  Nutritious food that tastes fresh and flavourful is great.  But do I have to give up eating dim sum with the Engineer, or fresh butter on hot french bread, or steaming bowls of Thai curry?  

I think that the game Hollywood starlets play is a deeply sad one.  How could anyone possibly be fulfilled on a life devoted to eating raw food?  RAW?  That one makes me shake my head in complete wonderment.  I mean sure, Demi looks great for her age, but give that woman a chocolate cake already!  Sure she is married to a much younger, hot male, but she still looks like she has a pole stuck up her ass.  It's the freak-ass raw food!  Or refusing to eat fruit?  No sugar?  None? Like not one cookie here and there or a cup of sweet tea?

All of a sudden, when I realized that I would rather indulge in the amazing delicacies this world has to offer than spend the rest of my life handcuffed to eating only to stay alive, I thought 'nah' it's not worth it.  

Hmmm, now what?  Maybe I could make a happy career out of being the slightly overweight best friend?  I think that is a good theme.  Even in the scripts I write, the character I imagine myself playing always is associated with food and is of the round variety (my sneaky way of getting cast).  The quirky best friend always has more fun anyways . . . .  and you know why?  Because she is ALLOWED to eat craft services!!!

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