Monday, April 20, 2009

Have Dogs, Will Travel

I've once again made the bi-coastal hop to spend time with the Engineer for an undetermined amount of time.  And seeing as I can no longer leave my dogs with anyone (let's face it, who would want them?) I packed them up and brought them to New York with me.

You want to travel with pets?

Here is my step-by-step guide:

1.  Purchase kennel and then bribe your dogs into it with various treats and toys.  Get them used to the comfort of it at least a week prior to your departure.  The key is baiting tiny biscuits in the blanket so it seems like a scavenger hunt.

2.  When one dog is happily sleeping in their 'house', shove the other one in and close the door.  Continue to give them treats through the holes until they stop growling.

3.  Take the dogs for a long walk before flight.

4.  Give your dogs gravol in cheese so they are drowsy.

5.  Clean up dog vomit that contains whole gravol pills from kitchen floor making yourself late for the airport.

6.  Race to airport.

7.  Put sweaters on dogs, then wrap the little one in the brown blanket so he blends in with background, and place warmed up heat packs in kennel so dogs don't get cold.  Shove a quivering Mr. Mop in on top of blanket and Brooklyn.

8.  Tilt kennel away from Air Canada lady so she only sees one dog, as the little one has uncovered himself from the blanket (skip step if you are on West Jet).

9. Pay $110 for ONE dog flying to New York

10.  Sweat from lying

11.  Go through customs, drop your bag as you look for doggie passports and slide cheese through holes of crate so dogs stop crying.

12.  Pass through customs without the guy even asking for doggie passports that you get especially.  He will confiscate your apple however.

13.  Remove dogs from crate as security runs a drug swab thing through empty crate.

14.  Hold on to dogs for dear life as they feel the urge to run down conveyor belt carrying luggage.

15.  Still try to pretend there is only one dog when Air Canada man comes to take them away

16.  Shove dogs back into crate (now they are putting up fight as not drowsy because they vomited gravol).

17.  Cry a bit as dogs are wheeled away.

18.  Yell after them, "They won't die of a heart attack right?  Or freeze?" as the Air Canada man sends you a 'you are a freak' look

19.  Listen to the dogs yelps of fear die away as rest of the security line looks at you and shakes their heads.

20.  Glue yourself to window in order to watch grounds crew put kennel in appropriate plane.

21.  Get on plane.  Ask flight attendants if dogs will be okay.  Blush when flight attendant tells you to take a seat.

22.  Drink vodka.

23.  Get off plane, shoving the old man walking slowly in front of you out of way.  Say a quick 'hi' to the Engineer and then feverishly wait at the special baggage department.  

24.  Race to lady pushing cart with crate.  

25.  Let dogs out and give them kisses and treats.

26.  Clean up pee from Engineer's shoe that Mop has let go in his excitement.  

27.  Never fly with pets again.

Oh, I forgot the step that tells the lady in line to shut up when she looks into kennel and exclaims there are two dogs in a loud voice.  Again, skip if you are flying West Jet.

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