Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Warts, Puss and Bacne - Oh Gross!

By being truthful about the state of some grossness that is the human body, I feel that you reading at home will no longer be ashamed of the ugly truths that lurk on your skin.

I have a wart.  On my foot.  A planters wart on my foot.

It was brought to my attention by the girl who does my pedicure over a year ago and I did nothing about it until I learned they never go away and the roots just keep growing inside your foot. 


I prefer the term 'veruca' because then it just sounds like you have some affliction to martini's rather than a witches wart on your body.  Unfortunately, no one in Canada calls it that.  So I have a wart.

First, I tried the Compound W (the liquid stuff you brush on) route to no avail.  Over Christmas, my dad decided to take it up a notch using the Compound freezing stuff.  He has a wart on his finger so we both needed some help.  We didn't read the instructions properly so after 20 seconds of sticking this thing on my foot I started to scream in pain.  He felt sorry (but inside thought I was being a baby) until he applied to his finger and shouted some obscenities.

It was time to go to the doctor.  My doctor was super happy to bring me on as a patient because I am young and the rest of her roster are octogenarians.  Imagine her dismay when I came it to show her a wart as opposed to the pap smear she was so looking forward to.  She took one look at it, said 'I am going to get a scalpel and then nitrogen'. 

At the word 'scalpel' I got really nauseous and grabbed the garbage can.  I threw up a bit in my mouth.  She thought I was weird and was right in doing so because the wart has no nerve endings to I didn't feel her scraping the grossness at all.  Obviously this is why I am not a doctor.  I get sick at just the thought of blood and puss.

How am I going to give birth someday?

On the same day that I faced the wart, I also was scheduled for a 'back facial'. 

I've talked about this problem before:  I have bacne. 

No amount of showering, creams or potions helps me.  I walked hoping she would be able to make clean my back so that on my wedding day I didn't resemble an old crone (warts and pimples!).

The esthetician told me it was not a facial I needed, but micodermabrasion.  Basically, super intense exfoliation as we miss that part of our body on our daily scrub down.  The experience, although not painful, was not pleasant.  She basically sandpapered by back with a 'diamond' encrusted vacuum cleaner.  The gross thing was that you get to see a vial of the dead skin that has been removed.  I filled a vial. A full vial of dead skin.

It totally works though!  My back skin was already softer but I have to go for a few more treatments.  At night, and for the next few days, it feels as if you have a sunburn.  Totally worth it though as I am sick of begging the Engineer to pop my zits.

He refuses.  How can he refuse?  Am I the only one who loves the satisfying 'pop' of a zit and the gross yellow crap that comes up?  It's practically delicious!

So there you go.  All in one day I had attended to my wart and bacne problems and lived to tell the tale.  Let's face it:  human bodies can be gross.  But if you make gross funny then you'll always see the beauty in puss.

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